i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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