discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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