atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
