Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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