just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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