Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
