You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
