jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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