do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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