i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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