he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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