i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
