The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
