my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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