In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
