I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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