i jhust puked up my retainher.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
