apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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