I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she told me i tasted like america
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
