ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My ATM looks so different sober.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
