The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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