I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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