I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
