after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
