that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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