how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
