i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my being single is dangerous.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
