I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
