I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
