after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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