So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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