For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
