Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
