I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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