you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
