I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
