just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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