Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
did i walk over a car last night?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
