the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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