So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
