I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
