Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
