everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
