i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
