Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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