Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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