just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
