I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
