the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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