I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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