It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
