Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
