just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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