Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
