your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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