He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
