what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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