Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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